The Body, My Body

In 2009, I lost over 125 pounds. I went from 310 to 190-something. I went from hating my body to hating it more. My plump, firm skin was now sagging and I saw my ribcage which freaked me out. People I knew for years told me that NOW I was beautiful and thank GOD I lost all that weight and that didn’t make me feel any better. I quickly gained back some weight to maintain 200 pounds which I was content with. I maintained that weight until 2015 when I moved to France. I believe I have now gained almost 20 pounds thanks to depression and French cuisine and am in the same place I have always been – uncomfortable.

One would never know that as I pose nude for a living and am nude in my artwork. No one could imagine that almost 25 years later and at 50 years old that my body is still a cause of stress for me. This has nothing to do with the media, our society, etc. anymore.

The conflict is that at 50, I have accepted myself and my flaws. I thought I succeeded in losing weight and looking/feeling better but then I failed at seeing it back then. I am failing at maintaining that 200 pound weight and no one can give me encouragement on this because the only encouragement I can attain is from myself when I am ready to. Why not today? Why not right now? Because I can’t.  This is my inner conflict that this video that I created back then still feels exactly the same today.

WARNING – CONTAINS NUDITY

 

 

video, website, subscribe and Christmas!

I have a new performance video that I can not post on YouTube due to copyright infringement regarding the music. In my defense, knowing full well of how important copyrights are as a photographer, when I use a piece of music in my videos, I always credit the musician and often include links to their music in the description. In addition, I do not profit from these. They are just artistic expressions and experiments.

However, the actual law does not see these reasons as good enough, and YouTube blocked the video from being seen in many countries. To avoid any legal problems on major platforms, I removed it from there altogether and temporarily embedded it on my website’s homepage. While you are there, you will see some changes. I have added work under Les Peintures/Les Collages and I have added a page of my drawings.
I even included a page to promote my job as an artists’ model under the About section.

Lastly, I would like to say that Christmas is around the corner and I know there is always the reminder that buying from artists and artisans over commercial stuff helps people directly and it is the truth. I am the epitome of a struggling artist, financially so I am gently reminding you that my artwork is for purchase so that one can enjoy the physical art – to be pondered as well as, hopefully, admired. Here are several links that lead to the purchase of my work and if there is something specific you are interested in that I have not included for private sales, contact me directly to discuss it.

My Studio Inventory Sale
My Books on Blurb.
The Divine Journey:

The Divine Journey
The Divine Jou…
photographs by AnnM…
By AnnMarie Tornabene

Photo book

Rabbitholes and Revelations:

Rabbitholes and Revelations (including the Not Wonderland series)
Rabbitholes an…
self-portraits by A…
By AnnMarie Tornabene

Photo book

And you can contact me directly for a very modestly-priced copy of Les Peintures.

2011 and the story behind “Stand By”

Between the years 2009-2012, I lost a lot of weight, intentionally and, I thought at the time, spent with my head more in the clouds than usual. I was in weekly therapy sessions for over a year and a half and in the middle of a marriage I didn’t want to be in. I was exhibiting more, giving presentations, going off on an artist’s residency and I just worked, worked, worked.

This afternoon, I started gathering prints that have been in my studio and with me for some time that I would like to sell either online, in person and/or at the photo salon that I will be exhibiting work in next March and I stumbled across this image that created in 2011 entitled “Stand By”. It was part of a photographic series that never really saw the light of day possibly because I was doing a lot of things at the same time. I now know what this image means but at the time, I think I just photographed on instinct. I wanted to escape – my marriage, the neighborhood I lived in, the toxic environment I was in almost everywhere (except where I worked) but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the money, the courage, the will to be strong enough. The only things I was able to control at the time was what I ate and how I worked. At least it’s what I thought. So here I am in this photo, the bird that is my soul, quite literally, I suppose, tied down and I am just holding it and waiting.

I used a Holga to photograph this on the side of my and my ex-husband’s house one afternoon. This print is not part of my Inventory sale via my website as I have been holding on to it but I think now I am ready and would like to offer it to someone who really wants it. If you are that person, contact me.

Seeing this image really put a lump in my throat and took me back to a very difficult time in my life. I am grateful that I was able to document it.

standby.jpg

More shameless art promoting

I created an inexpensive print-on-demand book via the photo lab I use in Paris, to sell to people interested in my latest series. So far, I sold 2 (just ordered them this morning) and I will offer them here as well. The price is $18 plus shipping per book outside of France (c’est 15€ par livre plus livraison en France) and the best form of payment is through PayPal as it is the easiest. Someone in New York said that she was not comfortable using PayPal but I can assure everyone that it is safe and secure. I used it for everything involving moving money around. Besides, the banks charge a big fee for money transferring and I can not get checks here. So, if you are interested, email me.

In other news, I have a YouTube channel, in case no one knew. I don’t advertise it much because I am not as confident with my video work as I am with my still photography. For one, they are really utterly self-indulgent. Yes, self-portrait work can be but in recent years, there hasn’t been a lot I have done that meant anything other than music video type of things. Still, from 2013 and back, I did create some more expressive work. A few days ago, a fan and follower of my work for many years, subscribed to my channel and it was when I realized that I actually had 80 subscribers! That sounds like nothing to many people but it is a whole lot more than I thought! So, I started promoting the channel, hoping to get 100 subscribers and giving the 100th person a free print of my work. Problem is that while I do get the notifications of who has subscribed, I have NO idea how to contact the 100th subscriber other than making him/her public. So…I will do that then. I will make a little announcement video of who my 100th subscriber is and what he/she gets for free. So here is my channel. Subscribe! 😀

Nipples and other contemplations

As someone who has photographed herself nude (as well as others), poses nude for art classes and has drawn from nude models herself for over 20 years, I can tell you that the topic of “is nudity in art pornographic?” has been beaten to death by a dead horse. I am so so sick of it and in the year 2019, where social media runs rampant with narcissistic selfies from little boys and girls wearing almost nothing making kissy faces or licking their lips to a phone camera, I want to scream.

So after accidentally posting my last blog post here onto FB (I have the posts set to automatically linking to my social media accounts), I was put in FB jail for 24 hours. It’s not the first time FB has cut me off from posting/commenting because of a nude photo of myself that I have posted but this time, I took screen shots of their “policy” to really see what their points are, as I never clearly read their so-called rules.

So, without further ado: